Weird. There seems to be problems with the blogging system here. I guess that's what I get for signing up at a free site.

Anyway, last night was really cool... The night, in terms of the track, sucked, but there were other outside factors which made it an enjoyable experience. It really makes the night zip by when you've got someone to talk to.

I've spent the entire day on one continuous adrenaline rush. I woke up RIGHT WHEN my alarm went off at 5:30, got up, got dressed, actually had time to putter around before I left and I was still 3 minutes early to the kennel.

I can remember the last time I felt this good... 'twas March, 2001, on a Monday evening, the Monday of spring break, because I remember my family was out of town and I was basically housesitting for them on one of my Tuc-to-Phx visits. That evening, and the moments therein, lie forever etched in my memory. Before that? April 9th, 1999, a Saturday night, or if you want to split hairs, April 10th, because it was after midnight and therefore technically Sunday already, but for all intents and purposes it was still Saturday night.

How I feel right now is just an in-general... There hasn't been an instant, yet, that's been timestamped on my mental hard drive. But it's in the arena.

There's goods and there's bads... I can tell you exactly how I felt at 11:46 PM on July 13th, 1999, too, but that was on the opposite end of the spectrum from where I'm at now. But somehow I'm reticent to list the bad moments right now. I can't bring myself to think in a negative frame of mind.

Those moments, though, were single moments in time... I don't remember before and after, just the feeling of the instant. One would think of an instant as a minuscule speck on the timeline, but these instants seemed to expand and stretch infinitely, like a dramatic grand pause in a symphony. (It's difficult to explain... we're taking a wild ride down into the expanses of my mind, here, and it always makes my brain hurt when I think about things like this. I can think it, and I know exactly what I want to say, but my memory explains things to me in terms uncommunicable. It's a concept that I'm unable to verbalize.)

When an instant like that happens, I can feel it coming... not like consciously thinking of what's next, but almost like a subconscious pre-thought, and I can sense that time in the world outside myself and the people/things in my immediate vicinity slows to a standstill as the moment progresses. My mind seems to temporarily devote all of its faculties to recording the instant for future recollection, so the presence of time and the sense of place become very distorted. But it's such a detailed preservation that I can remember absolutely everything about the moment. If I sit here and relax for a minute or so, I could call it up from my mind, and it's almost like someone pressed Play on a VCR. It becomes almost a meditative state... my eyes fix and my vision blurs, and I lose all awareness of what's around me as the scene replays. I can see what I saw, I can hear what I heard, and if I'm deep enough into it, I can faintly feel what I felt. If something came along to distract me, such as the A/C kicking on like it did just now, the scene breaks suddenly and I realize I'm staring at a blank wall with my mouth hanging open.

That moment, the bad moment... I was at my computer when it happened. I could tell you everything about it... how warm it was in the room, how the lighting was and the odd chiaroscuro effect of the light above my head, how the TV was blaring on beside me (although what was on it I don't know... that was a little far outside my range), even the color scheme of the ICQ I was on. And I can feel, right in the pit of my stomach, the feeling I felt when that message box came up... the nauseating cocktail of sadness, disappointment, and disbelief, with just a twist of anger mixed in, that hit me in the gut.

The good moments... they're just as detailed. I can tell you about the '01 moment, right down to the faint taste of too-much-garlic in my mouth from the lousy pasta sauce I'd made for dinner earlier that night. And I can feel upon my face the odd chill of that April evening in '99... it had been a cold day, maybe even rainy (though I couldn't say for sure -- again, too far outside my range), and it was a peculiarly chilly evening for early April.

There's other moments... I just picked out a couple of examples.

Well, then... anyway... My mind has spent itself. I'm going to let it take a break and go watch some TV. And remember... if you don't understand why I'd bother writing about that... I didn't force you to read it. This is my friggin' blog, and if I feel like posting a guided tour of my myriad thoughts, I'm damn sure going to do it.