Well, then.
If before, I went from soaking in the jacuzzi of futility to lap-swimming in the pool of possibilities... I don't know, I guess now I'm riding my Sea-Doo on Lake Good Karma. Being intentionally vague here, I went out last night with someone to a couple of places, and I might have had a good time.
Not a lot aside form that to post, I guess. I feel like I'm all worded out after yesterday's hemorrhage. I'll note that my leg is back in working order again, which is a good thing... or not, considering that means I can go bowling again.
"No."
Wednesday, April 30
Tuesday, April 29
NOTICE! This post has a lot to do with me and the inner workings of my mind, so if you don't want to spend the next 15 minutes reading about that topic, skip this entry. Otherwise, read on...
Greetings, all... Just poking my head in and saying, "Whut up!..." Er something. I've got some back-Tivo to catch up on: precisely, Dragnet, last night's late CSI on TNN, and two new episodes of Trigger Happy TV. I also saved the new Dennis Miller special, The Raw Feed, but I can watch that whenever.
"Talk amongst yourselves. Here's a topic... Dennis Miller, funny or unfunny? Discuss."
Anyway, I have oh so much to talk about... I'll come back later, though, after I watch these shows, and I'll post it here. I wish there were some new plug-in where I could just think my thoughts on to the page, because my mind moves at 3x-4x the top speed of my fingers. When you consider that once upon a time I was clocked at 110-115 wpm (hunt-'n-peck all the way, baby!), that's a lot of thought to type. Problem is, stuff doesn't come out all neatly channeled into one clean line of thoughts... everything comes flying out at once, and I've always thought it would roughly resemble what would happen if you plugged a SaladShooter into a 220 outlet.
You know what? I'm starting to get warmed up now. Forget the Tivo... it ain't going nowhere. Let's chat.
I spent an hour at the Scottsdale Civic Center Library today. I haven't been there in four years or so... my library card expired last century. Man, I used to live there... when my mom started back to school we'd spend a lot of timee at the library as she did research. I was perfectly content to ride along with her, sit in the Youth section, and just find books to read for two or three hours while she did her homeworrk. I was weird like that. ... So anyway, I needed to go today to find some books my therapist recommended I cheeck out. The odd thing about it was it still smells the same in there. I came through the door, and it was like instant memories, as that waft of old paper and wooden shelving hit me in the face. I'd probably STILL be wandering around looking at random books if I hadn't wanted to eat lunch.
Whoa, did I say thrapist? Yeah, it's a new deal I'm trying out. I got tired of being a loser, so a couple of months ago I looked into ways I could make a difference in my own life. My uncle is a psychologist with the Deer Valley school district, so I asked him what I could do. He helped me out with the type of therapist I should look for and other stuff, and last Tuesday I had my first appointment with a cognitive behavioral therapist. Today, therefore, was obviously my second, and I've tentatively sdcheduled another for two weeks from today.
Why do I tell you this? Why not? Some people I know would have problems with telling people they needed outside help with their issues. To tell you the truth, a month ago I would have been, too. It took me a long, long time to convince myself that, hey, rather than sit here and sulk about how things are, how about finding out how to fix it? It was painfully obvious that I was getting nowhere on my own. Admitting that one needs help is the first and most important steep in solving many a problem.
But why make it public? Again, I ask: why not? Why not be bluntly honest about what's going on? Public diary or not, isn't that what this blog is for? But there is one major underlying reason: If I can't tell other people about it, how can I expect myself to be upfront with myself about my own issues?
Am I taking a risk in posting this for every Net-connected person to see? Maybe. Will I weird some people out? Maybe. But I figure that if you've been willing to read THIS far, that doesn't apply to you. I just have this burning desire to be honest and frank, all of a sudden. And maybe I'm thinking that if I can be this open and honest, I might help someone else address their problems in some way. It's kind of like Pay It Forward, just without that little uppity twerp Haley Joel Osment.
And do you know what? In the past three or four weeks I've had a total change of mindset. It's unbelieveable how much I've learned about myself and the way my mind works on both the conscious and subconscious levels. The funny thing is, all we've done is talk... with my uncle first, and now my therapist. I filled out a few forms and tests, but aside from that it's been mostly conversation. We've decided that I have problems with social anxiety -- not necessarily to the degree of a disorder, but significant issues nonetheless. Those issues contributed heavily to feelings of depression. However, they go hand-in-hand... by addressing the social anxiety, the depression has evaporated. Just -- p'zow, poof, and it's gone. As tacky and clichéd as it may sound, it's like the sun breaking through a dense morning fog; that's the best way I can describe it. I didn't need medicine, or even a whole lot of work. It's been just as simple as thinking in a new way.
Things are good. Things are great, even. I can't lie... there isn't anything to gripe about. Everything plays into my decision to stop standing on the curb and watching life pass by. I'm getting healthy, in body and mind, and getting back out into the community and reuniting with family and friends. I'm making new friends, trying to get out and meet new people, while at the same time getting bck in touch with friends I haven't been in touch with for years. And it feels good. Looking back on the past four years, I don't know why I didn't make the decision sooner. Part of that, though, I'm sure, was being down in a place where I knew no one. Just the same, I had opportunities to get out and socialize, but... I don't know. It makes my brain hurt to try and figure out what it was that kept me locked away inside myself for so long, but there it was.
Big props to all my friends, here in town and elsewhere, who have always been willing to lend an ear when I've had troubles. I don't want to go making a list of names, but if you've had a conversation with me in the past few months, you've more than likely had a hand in my rebuilding. Most of you probably don't even realize how helpful you've been. A very crucial part of my new outlook... positive influences from the people I know, and you, my friends, are about as positive as anyone could ask for. Without your help, whether direct or unintentional, I'd probably still be in the same boat I was in before.
Thanks, guys.
"What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad."
Greetings, all... Just poking my head in and saying, "Whut up!..." Er something. I've got some back-Tivo to catch up on: precisely, Dragnet, last night's late CSI on TNN, and two new episodes of Trigger Happy TV. I also saved the new Dennis Miller special, The Raw Feed, but I can watch that whenever.
"Talk amongst yourselves. Here's a topic... Dennis Miller, funny or unfunny? Discuss."
Anyway, I have oh so much to talk about... I'll come back later, though, after I watch these shows, and I'll post it here. I wish there were some new plug-in where I could just think my thoughts on to the page, because my mind moves at 3x-4x the top speed of my fingers. When you consider that once upon a time I was clocked at 110-115 wpm (hunt-'n-peck all the way, baby!), that's a lot of thought to type. Problem is, stuff doesn't come out all neatly channeled into one clean line of thoughts... everything comes flying out at once, and I've always thought it would roughly resemble what would happen if you plugged a SaladShooter into a 220 outlet.
You know what? I'm starting to get warmed up now. Forget the Tivo... it ain't going nowhere. Let's chat.
I spent an hour at the Scottsdale Civic Center Library today. I haven't been there in four years or so... my library card expired last century. Man, I used to live there... when my mom started back to school we'd spend a lot of timee at the library as she did research. I was perfectly content to ride along with her, sit in the Youth section, and just find books to read for two or three hours while she did her homeworrk. I was weird like that. ... So anyway, I needed to go today to find some books my therapist recommended I cheeck out. The odd thing about it was it still smells the same in there. I came through the door, and it was like instant memories, as that waft of old paper and wooden shelving hit me in the face. I'd probably STILL be wandering around looking at random books if I hadn't wanted to eat lunch.
Whoa, did I say thrapist? Yeah, it's a new deal I'm trying out. I got tired of being a loser, so a couple of months ago I looked into ways I could make a difference in my own life. My uncle is a psychologist with the Deer Valley school district, so I asked him what I could do. He helped me out with the type of therapist I should look for and other stuff, and last Tuesday I had my first appointment with a cognitive behavioral therapist. Today, therefore, was obviously my second, and I've tentatively sdcheduled another for two weeks from today.
Why do I tell you this? Why not? Some people I know would have problems with telling people they needed outside help with their issues. To tell you the truth, a month ago I would have been, too. It took me a long, long time to convince myself that, hey, rather than sit here and sulk about how things are, how about finding out how to fix it? It was painfully obvious that I was getting nowhere on my own. Admitting that one needs help is the first and most important steep in solving many a problem.
But why make it public? Again, I ask: why not? Why not be bluntly honest about what's going on? Public diary or not, isn't that what this blog is for? But there is one major underlying reason: If I can't tell other people about it, how can I expect myself to be upfront with myself about my own issues?
Am I taking a risk in posting this for every Net-connected person to see? Maybe. Will I weird some people out? Maybe. But I figure that if you've been willing to read THIS far, that doesn't apply to you. I just have this burning desire to be honest and frank, all of a sudden. And maybe I'm thinking that if I can be this open and honest, I might help someone else address their problems in some way. It's kind of like Pay It Forward, just without that little uppity twerp Haley Joel Osment.
And do you know what? In the past three or four weeks I've had a total change of mindset. It's unbelieveable how much I've learned about myself and the way my mind works on both the conscious and subconscious levels. The funny thing is, all we've done is talk... with my uncle first, and now my therapist. I filled out a few forms and tests, but aside from that it's been mostly conversation. We've decided that I have problems with social anxiety -- not necessarily to the degree of a disorder, but significant issues nonetheless. Those issues contributed heavily to feelings of depression. However, they go hand-in-hand... by addressing the social anxiety, the depression has evaporated. Just -- p'zow, poof, and it's gone. As tacky and clichéd as it may sound, it's like the sun breaking through a dense morning fog; that's the best way I can describe it. I didn't need medicine, or even a whole lot of work. It's been just as simple as thinking in a new way.
Things are good. Things are great, even. I can't lie... there isn't anything to gripe about. Everything plays into my decision to stop standing on the curb and watching life pass by. I'm getting healthy, in body and mind, and getting back out into the community and reuniting with family and friends. I'm making new friends, trying to get out and meet new people, while at the same time getting bck in touch with friends I haven't been in touch with for years. And it feels good. Looking back on the past four years, I don't know why I didn't make the decision sooner. Part of that, though, I'm sure, was being down in a place where I knew no one. Just the same, I had opportunities to get out and socialize, but... I don't know. It makes my brain hurt to try and figure out what it was that kept me locked away inside myself for so long, but there it was.
Big props to all my friends, here in town and elsewhere, who have always been willing to lend an ear when I've had troubles. I don't want to go making a list of names, but if you've had a conversation with me in the past few months, you've more than likely had a hand in my rebuilding. Most of you probably don't even realize how helpful you've been. A very crucial part of my new outlook... positive influences from the people I know, and you, my friends, are about as positive as anyone could ask for. Without your help, whether direct or unintentional, I'd probably still be in the same boat I was in before.
Thanks, guys.
"What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad."
Monday, April 28
Greetings, all... It's been a largely uneventful day thus far. Got a brief break between weigh-in and the races, so I popped home. I Tivoed Dragnet last nigh and hadn't had a chance to watch it.
Ohhh, yeah, I've got my Tivo all juiced and ready to go. Look for more in a future post about this thing. It's the ultimate TV toy.
Physical condition is much better today... I'm just going to have to be more careful when I bowl, I guess. My right leg is still messed up... it doesn't really hurt, per se, but the area around my knee is weak, almost like I sprained it but without the pain. I tried to stomp the dirt off my boots before I came inside just now and I almost fell down the stairs. Should I go bowling again, I'm going to have to work on NOT getting 8's and 9's on my first ball. I must have had 4 9's each game... that solitary pin was staring at me like the middle finger on the hand of the bowling gods. I think in a way it's more frustrating to toss a 9 than it is to gutter or only catch one or two.
Day off, tomorrow... ALL day. It's so weird, having all this time off. In Tucson, I got kind of used to working 6 straight days morning-to-night and then driving to Phoenix and bck every Monday, which really made Monday seem like just another workday. Now here I am, had a whole day and a half off Friday and Saturday, worked yesterday and already half-way done with work today, and I've got tomorrow off already. I feel like I'm cheating somehow. Yet, on the other hand, I feel like all my toiling in Tucson is finally paying dividends, in the sense that this is almost like a promotion.
Life is good, though. I honestly can't find anything to bitch about -- and coming from me, that's saying a lot.
All right, I'm Outtie 5000 (as Pete, one of my cool-outs in Tucson, used to say). Got to shower up and head back to the track. Going to stop at Chipotle for dinner and have a barbacoa burrito with corn salsa.
"What are you waiting for? Stop trying to hit me and HIT ME!"
Ohhh, yeah, I've got my Tivo all juiced and ready to go. Look for more in a future post about this thing. It's the ultimate TV toy.
Physical condition is much better today... I'm just going to have to be more careful when I bowl, I guess. My right leg is still messed up... it doesn't really hurt, per se, but the area around my knee is weak, almost like I sprained it but without the pain. I tried to stomp the dirt off my boots before I came inside just now and I almost fell down the stairs. Should I go bowling again, I'm going to have to work on NOT getting 8's and 9's on my first ball. I must have had 4 9's each game... that solitary pin was staring at me like the middle finger on the hand of the bowling gods. I think in a way it's more frustrating to toss a 9 than it is to gutter or only catch one or two.
Day off, tomorrow... ALL day. It's so weird, having all this time off. In Tucson, I got kind of used to working 6 straight days morning-to-night and then driving to Phoenix and bck every Monday, which really made Monday seem like just another workday. Now here I am, had a whole day and a half off Friday and Saturday, worked yesterday and already half-way done with work today, and I've got tomorrow off already. I feel like I'm cheating somehow. Yet, on the other hand, I feel like all my toiling in Tucson is finally paying dividends, in the sense that this is almost like a promotion.
Life is good, though. I honestly can't find anything to bitch about -- and coming from me, that's saying a lot.
All right, I'm Outtie 5000 (as Pete, one of my cool-outs in Tucson, used to say). Got to shower up and head back to the track. Going to stop at Chipotle for dinner and have a barbacoa burrito with corn salsa.
"What are you waiting for? Stop trying to hit me and HIT ME!"
Sunday, April 27
"*groan* I'm so worn out... My hair hurts." --Sgt. Bilko
Went Cosmic Bowling last night. Now, I enjoy bowling... I just never said I was very good at it. I was in perfect health when I WENT there, anyway; today I'm nursing a sore left ankle, a slightly pulled right Achilles' tendon, two strained calf muscles, a very tender right biceps, and one busted-up left wrist. Oh yeah, and the echoes of one NASTY headache (they could turn the music down juuuuuust a tad, I think). I guess I shouldn't have gone out without stretching first, er something. The left wrist, however, was a by-product of me crashing to the floor after losing my balance on a throw. I've got a better range of motion with it today... last night I could barely bend it either way.
But, hey, what the hell... Had a blast. I'd do it all over again tonight if there were another function. Okay, maybe not... maybe in a few days when I can lift a bowling ball again. You should have seen me trying to weigh dogs today... for those who don't know, we've got a hook-and-sling scale that hangs from the ceiling, so I slide the sling under the dog's belly and lift them up to the hook. It's about a 3½-foot lift, and I was weighing the boys, who weigh 70-75 pounds each. Not usually any problem, but considering one wrist was shot and the other arm was at half-strength, it was an interesting task. It's all right, though... I'm a TFG, which in this case means a Tough F***in' Guy. Hell yeah!
All right then. Going to go eat some cold leftover Fazoli's and take a nap. I got to bed at 4:00 am (after some crappy service at Denny's) and was up at 5:45 for work.
[NEW THING!! I'll try and close each main post I do with a quote from The Matrix until Matrix Reloaded comes out in a few weeks. Why? Because Matrix kicks ass. End of story.]
"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth."
"What truth?"
"There is no spoon."
Went Cosmic Bowling last night. Now, I enjoy bowling... I just never said I was very good at it. I was in perfect health when I WENT there, anyway; today I'm nursing a sore left ankle, a slightly pulled right Achilles' tendon, two strained calf muscles, a very tender right biceps, and one busted-up left wrist. Oh yeah, and the echoes of one NASTY headache (they could turn the music down juuuuuust a tad, I think). I guess I shouldn't have gone out without stretching first, er something. The left wrist, however, was a by-product of me crashing to the floor after losing my balance on a throw. I've got a better range of motion with it today... last night I could barely bend it either way.
But, hey, what the hell... Had a blast. I'd do it all over again tonight if there were another function. Okay, maybe not... maybe in a few days when I can lift a bowling ball again. You should have seen me trying to weigh dogs today... for those who don't know, we've got a hook-and-sling scale that hangs from the ceiling, so I slide the sling under the dog's belly and lift them up to the hook. It's about a 3½-foot lift, and I was weighing the boys, who weigh 70-75 pounds each. Not usually any problem, but considering one wrist was shot and the other arm was at half-strength, it was an interesting task. It's all right, though... I'm a TFG, which in this case means a Tough F***in' Guy. Hell yeah!
All right then. Going to go eat some cold leftover Fazoli's and take a nap. I got to bed at 4:00 am (after some crappy service at Denny's) and was up at 5:45 for work.
[NEW THING!! I'll try and close each main post I do with a quote from The Matrix until Matrix Reloaded comes out in a few weeks. Why? Because Matrix kicks ass. End of story.]
"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth."
"What truth?"
"There is no spoon."
Saturday, April 26
I guess you've got to start somewhere, right? First off, I should tell you I was inspired to start this thing by Mark Burchard's page, Burchworld. His blog has turned into a gathering place for all of his friends, which is really cool. I'm not nearly that ambitious... I just need somewhere that I can post stuff that my head spews out, you know? I don't want to clutter up other people's forums. I'd been posting stuff intermittently on my webpage, TFGWeb, but I want to keep my page as its own separate entity and not make it into a blog hybrid. Anyway... I guess this'll do for a first post.
