Ho-hum, honestly. Day off today, as I have every Saturday. Didn't set my alarm, so I slept in until 3:45 pm. I swear, if I really put my mind to it (and really emptied my bladder beforehand -- that's usually why I end up waking up in the first place), I could probably sleep through an entire period of daylight. 4:00 am til about 8:00 pm. Now THAT would be worth it just for the reaction I'll have when I first wake up and it's dark outside. That will TOTALLY throw me, but I know as soon as I get my bearings, I'll have to smile, because I'll remember I did that to myself on purpose.

So, haven't gone anywhere today. Ordered pizza at 4:30, which was the only time I saw daylight. I think my face got sunburned in the 30 seconds I stood at the door and paid the driver. Is it November yet?

Anyway, laying around by myself has given me time (too much time, probably) to reflect on not making it into Five Degrees Cooler. It's starting to sting a little. Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I hadn't spent most of last Friday/Saturday and a chunk of Thursday morning learning the music. I still went out and stuff, and I guess I didn't have, like, other plans I was neglecting, but by the same token, now it seems like a waste. For it wasn't that I wasn't good enough for the group -- it was because my voice didn't fit. I could have waltzed in there and just sight-read the music and have gotten the same response. I don't know. I'm wavering on whether to call this other group Mckell gave me the number for. I don't want to go through another month's worth of nerves if I'm just going to end up all let-down afterwards.

The music has been stuck in my head all day, mocking me. That's probably the source of my problems. Every time I pause to think, I start hearing "Chili con Carne" playing on a loop.

Even though I want to get out of my apartment and do stuff, I can't think of anything interesting to do. Hence, I don't call anyone, since I don't have any ideas. Going out to new places for karaoke was fun for a while, but it just grew tiresome when it wasn't the "new thing" anymore. The Wednesday-night deal (which everyone's still invited to join) is about the extent of it. Even aside from that, I sit here and try and think of interesting stuff to do, and... nothing. I may talk a big game, but at my core, I'm really a very simple, uninteresting person. I'm never the one to actually come up with an idea, which, I think, is why I have so much trouble dating. One or two dates, and I'm fresh out of ideas. Then I start flailing around and grasping at straws, and everything falls apart.

You know, going back to the sleeping-through-a-day thing, the other factor I face is my dreams. Once I start sleeping past the 9- or 10-hour mark, they just get plain weird, while at the same time becoming more ultra-realistic. I can typically remember those last few dreams from an extra-long sleep period for days afterwards, as if they'd actually happened to me. Last night, or I guess more specifically earlier this afternoon around 1:00ish, I had a dream that myself and some friends had gone to Japan, to a restaurant named Angelo's or Anthony's or something that started with an A. However, all three floors of the restaurant (yeah, it was big) were filled up, so we hopped a subway to find a different location. Except the subway had no seats. We all sat on the floor. Then there's a hole in my recollection, and the next thing I can remember is being in Hong Kong with a girl, who was someone I know but I can't remember who it was. We went sightseeing. THAT lasted for almost an hour, or at least it did in dream-time. I was bored silly. WHY in the WORLD would I have a dream about being bored?! ... *shrug* Anyway, I've noted that most of the dreams I can remember tend to involve stuff I've been worrying about. I remember singing or humming to myslef a lot during the sightseeing trip in Hong Kong, probably a nod to my Five Degrees Cooler rejection.

Boing! (I think I'll adopt that as my blanket sign that I've jumped back to a previous topic.) Back to what I was talking about before that out-of-order paragraph, about getting out, doing stuff, dating, et cetera... I'm at once all conflicted in two directions. On one hand, I've got all this free time to myself now, and I want to be doing something with it instead of spending whole days lounging around in my aparmtent eating lousy pizza and watching backlogged Tivo programs. Especially meeting a girl, somewhere, and somehow managing to date. I know, I can make it sound so difficult... but really, it is. I can't even put my finger on it. Inevitably, I wind up locking up and then everything comes to a screeching halt, no matter how well it seemed to be going. I'm just not very good at it. A friend told me I just have to relax and let love find me, because I'm trying far too hard to find it myself and that makes things come out all screwy. I'm trying, but unfortunately patience is a virtue I'm not blessed with. I'd rather cut a minute off the cooking time of my TV dinner and eat it while it's still cold in the center than wait that extra minute and THEN have to wait for it to cool off, too.

Below this post, you'll find an excerpt from an essay by Bill Whittle at Eject! Eject! Eject!, which, though I've heard of it before, I just went to for the first time today. Not bad. I snipped a portion of his essay Trinity, specifically a portion dealing with Independence Day. As I say after it, you really ought to go and read the whole thing. But set some time aside. It'll take a while.